New Job
In the past week I had been contemplating a lot, slept less, and worried more. I took my precious time cautiously, not wanting for another time to pass, feeling uneasy with every passing hour. Knowing that my time of freedom will end tomorrow isn't the best feeling in the world. I'm a stay at home kind of girl. I love doing work from home, I love playing with my dog and watching him stick close to me.
Tomorrow is Sunday, then Monday will arrive. On Monday, a new hell is waiting for me. No matter how much positive thoughts and re assurance I have tried to plant to my mind, my deep little heart knows better that I have yet again fallen into a rabbit hole I cannot escape. I think myself as a fool who has once again failed my self by accepting a job offer I so do not want just for the sake of challenging myself. Now I have heavy hearts, unable to sleep easy, and every waking moment is another dagger stabbed into my wounded heart. Call me a coward, for all I care.
I hate my job, but I need a status and money. I need a place to belong, I need normal routines to function as an adult human being. I have a lot of eyes on me, watching how this seemingly clever little girl live her own life as a working adult. So far I'm not proud of what I've accomplished. People are assuming too much, too highly, too mighty, of me. I'm sick with all my pretences but I cannot unveil my mask. I'm eating my heart out, literally, forcing myself that this is okay. That I will be okay.
People know my passion about animals, but I know better that I don't know what to do with that passion. It's hard to be the only one who cares among your circle. It's hard to stand alone, to know nobody who share the same faith, supporting the same cause, working for a greater purpose. It's hard to start when I don't even know where the starting line is.
Up until now all I do is watching. Become a spectator, scowl and curse online those who hurt the one I care about. I can only watch while people do not stop doing hateful things, not fit for a human, tainting the life of other living beings. I never stop thinking of how my life would be so much better if only I was born in a better, richer, nobler family. Family with real powers, money, and fame. A family that could support my cause and give me the mean and tools I need to make a difference.
However thinking about stuffs like that only prove that I'm a lowlife, only able to speak with little efforts made. I hate being me. I hate the feelings of being powerless, useless, and of no values. I hate being a coward like this. and yet I do nothing about it. I need help. I clearly do.
