A Reflection of 2010
I'm writing this as 2010 is coming to an end. today is December 31st, the last day of 2010. I tried to recall all my memories this whole year, but oddly enough, I couldn't remember anything special or important. or even something that instantly popped out in my head. as strange as it is, I came up with a conclusion that 2010, in my life, is a plain year.
From January to December, I haven't found anything that made me different or anything. In fact, I feel empty and I feel like anything i had done were pointless. end of story. I don't wanna talk about the sweet quote, that everyday is special, it's a blessing, you're still breathing until now, that's something to be thankful for. all those craps, i know it already. So, beside all that regular blessings I receive, I think I might need more than just regular. You know, something outside normal. :/
Here and now, i'll try to break down 2010 by several categories in my life. family, friends, education, love life, craps.
Family: I'm exhausted. I don't see my family as a family that's going well. My parents, well, how should I say it. They're hanging on a cliff. They live together for a quite long time, but they still, in my eyes, fail to be good partners. They tried so hard to make this family work, but the fact is, this family is walking on a tight rope. We earn enough to make the living, we smile sometimes, but I feel no warmth and loyal happiness. everything is a matter of formality TO ME. We look okay. But I, Myself, don't feel okay at all. something is wrong with this family. but noone cares to admit it, or brave enough to do something about it. including me. I guess we're a bunch of cowards, too scared to make any changes in our regular life and daily basis, afraid of making mistakes and failing. We think what we are right now is fine, and we don't wanna change. I, too, feel like that. I keep clinging on my parents, don't wanna be a little more independent. although I always have this urge inside me to be more daring and be brave. you know, to even drive a car, I keep making excuses and wish that I could somehow drive well without practicing. this section can goes on and on and on. I could write an essay out of this, but I think I wanna stop here and now. (ROCKY, my sole pet in the house is doing good, by the way.)
Friends: Making friends and connection is what matter the most in life. we can't do anything or reach anything without them. So, they're still as precious to me as last year. I've come to understand that perfect friends are imperfect friends that make your life less ordinary. and both in high school and university, I think I've found those that will walk with me till the end. and i'm extremely grateful for that.
Education: Even when 2010 is leaving me soon, I still can't make up my mind regarding what I'm gonna do in the next 10 years, esp. once i've graduated. I've made a decision to major in Mass Communication, with television broadcasting as my specialty. but I haven't put my whole heart into it yet. I'm not sure this is the road I wanna travel and walk down. But the good side is, I'm enjoying myself more and more in this faculty. trying to get engrossed in various organizational activities helps me a lot in the making. All in all, it's a good year for my education. But I'm worried still about my GPA. I just hope it doesn't fall down or get worse. I've tried my best. :)
Love Life: BULLSHIT. I'm not ready to get involved in a relationship. not even after all these 19 years of singleness. ==; Why is it? Nothing more than I still found myself waiting for someone that's just not worth the wait and the pain. I dreamed of days when I could actually get together with him. But then I thought that he might be gay. WOW! I hope it's not true. -_- well, some good things happened. He's not so far away anymore. but he'll be even farther not long after. and some old guy made an appearance this year, but he acted as a friend, as he already had a new crush. The strange thing is, I got bored too easily. at first I was so in fire in getting his attention. and when I got some, I felt happy. but as time went by, that feelings faded and turned into boredom and fears. I feared I'd ruin my current good relationship with him. I didn't wanna be in a girlfriend-boyfriend term with him. God, I even asked my self many times, what the hell did you actually want? when I drew my self closer, he drew him self further. But when he tried to get closer, I actually built a wall between us. So, i think it's a sign that i'm not ready yet to have a serious love life. Don't know when this will end. but unless someone makes a serious move on me, I don't think anything gonna change. That's it.
Craps: WHOLE A LOT! DAMN. I even felt like shit halfway of 2010. God, please have mercy on me, as I skipped the masses so many times, and I made false excuses. I tried to grow in You, but why you had to make me went down the road less traveled? I need to find some passions that can drive me hard. and that's my resolution of 2011. To be more passionate in things I do, and overcome my fears and my worries that have been hindering me these many years. AMEN.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 ! WISH YOU A PROSPEROUS YEAR AHEAD. MAY YOU FIND HAPPINESS IN EVERYTHING YOU DO. GOD BLESS. :3
